Wild Sibling Grief Prompts: The Equal You Lost
Three free prompts for losing your sibling, your family peer and equal.
This week’s essay was about the one relationship in a family that has no built-in rank. Parents come before us, and children come after. The sibling is the one who stands beside us, on level ground. Losing them means losing someone on the same plane in the family hierarchy even when others may not see it that way.
Here are three prompts to explore this aspect of your loss. Write what comes, as it does.
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1. What orders or rankings existed in your family between you and your sibling(s), and how did the two of you actually live those out?
Often times expectations exist for us based on birth order, gender, traits, accomplishments, challenges or illnesses, etc. Consider who was older, who went first to things, who achieved certain things (or were expected to), who was supposed to lead and/ or who was supposed to follow. Dr. Ken Doka, my recent podcast guest, talked about how the sibling bond is the one family relationship that does not really run on hierarchy. We wrestle with our siblings, he said, psychologically and physically, in a way we never do with our parents. As he described it, the rankings and hierarchy are mostly for other people.
Given certain cultural Italian gendered beliefs my father and his family held this was furthered by Tony being a boy and me being a girl. As I wrote in this week’s post, neither Tony nor I really gave much thought to it. We believed one another to be on equal ground, unless we were playing our Atari 2600 (his scores were always the top).
Write about the order you and your sibling were given or expected to live. Who was supposed to be what, and a time the two of you lived it completely differently than it looked on paper. Where did the assigned ranking have nothing to do with how you actually stood with each other?🐺
2. Where did you and your sibling meet on level ground?
When you stand on level ground with someone, you follow them into places you would never go alone. Different interests, different worlds, a whole activity you took up just to be in the same room.
I joined my high school’s AFJROTC, fully bohemian and entirely out of place, just to be where Tony was. He, in turn, joined the competitive drum and baton corps I was in. Others questioned our presence or referred to me as “Tony’s little sister” or “Angie’s big brother.” We both loved that, smiled, and embraced it. Those monikers were badges we wore proudly.
Write about something the two of you did as equals that the rest of the family or your friends did not quite get. Maybe it was a hobby you shared, a trip you took, the program one of you joined for the other. What did you do that otherwise would not have been something you would have done but did (willingly or not)? And what came out of it for either or both of you to be there together?
If you want to go further, write about a world of theirs you wish you had crossed into and never did.
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3. Where has the loss pushed you in the family, and where do you wish you could stay?
When an equal is gone, the family rearranges, and you can get pushed upward into a rank you never asked for, such as the strong one, being the oldest or youngest, or the one who did X, Y, Z.
As you likely know or have experienced, surviving siblings are often told to be strong for their parents at the exact moment they lost the one relationship that was never about rank at all. At Tony’s funeral, I wanted so badly to share with him the burden of being told to take care of our parents. I needed him to help me do that. Standing in the funeral home, looking at him in the casket, was a moment when I realized my lifelong partner and the assumed hierarchy of grief assumed I would take on all the roles he had played in caring for our parents.
Write about a moment since the loss when you felt your place in the family shift. Who were you suddenly expected to be? And what part of who you were beside your sibling do you not want to give up, even now?
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That is all for today. Take what is useful. Leave what is not.
If you write to any of these and want to share, the comments are open.
If these landed, there is more. The paid set for paid subscribers will follow in the morning, Wild Sibling Grief Prompts: Level Ground. It takes the work deeper with nine prompts to move through at your own pace.
Warmly,
Angela
Tony’s little sister 🐺
🎧 The Broken Pack: Stories of Sibling Loss, Episode 49 with Dr. Ken Doka is available wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Wild Grief is written by Dr. Angela Dean, PsyD, FT, GTMR (psychologist, thanatologist, and Tony’s surviving sibling). Interactions with The Broken Pack, LLC, Dr. Angela Dean, and its content do not constitute a therapeutic or professional psychological relationship with Dr. Dean. All content is educational and informational, not clinical advice. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out to your local crisis line or warm line, or visit findahelpline.com.
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