Wild Sibling Grief Prompts: Not About the Climb
Three free prompts on the sibling grief mountains we climb that other people can't see.
A follow-up to Not About the Climb.
Yesterday I wrote about my hike up Mt. Si, the Outward Bound trip Dr. Heidi Horsley took in her brother Scott’s place, and the climbs sibling loss survivors take that other people misread. If you haven’t read it yet, Not About the Climb is here.
Below you will find the companion prompts to that post.
Each one stands alone. You do not have to write to all three, and you do not have to write to them in order. Pick the ones that catch you. Set a timer for five minutes. No editing. No judgment. Just write.
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1. What did the world look like the day your sibling died?
Heidi told me the sunny April weather felt wrong. She wanted it to be raining, storming, and horrendous to match how she felt inside.
What did your day look like? Was it sunny when it should have been gray, cold when it should have been warm, normal when nothing was normal, gloomy and dark, or something else altogether?
Write about the weather, the hour, the lighting, and what you noticed. Consider also the other aspects of atmosphere such as where you were, who you were with, the mood in the room, the activities in general. How did these align with how you felt? If they were misaligned, how and why?
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2. What is a hard thing you have done that nobody knew was for your sibling or that you felt your sibling was guiding you through?
I climbed Mt. Si in part for Tony, and in part for myself. Heidi finished Outward Bound in part for Scott, and in part for herself.
But before climbing Mt. Si, in the early days of my own grief, sometimes the hard things I would do would seem much smaller to others. These were things such as going to the grocery store, going to bed even though I feared dying in my sleep like Tony, or taking time to rest.
Your difficult thing might be big like climbing a mountain, training for a marathon, or starting a big project. Or the difficult thing for you may be seemingly smaller to other people, yet still very hard for you. Maybe it’s getting out of bed on a day you couldn’t, going to work and entertaining clients, or making lunch for your kids.
Name it. Tell the story. What was hard or difficult about it, and what about it was for your sibling or was guided by them?
For example, going to a grocery store, especially in the early days of losing Tony, was always so hard for me, and still often is, because we grew up in our grandma’s tiny grocery store. And, at the time of his death, Tony was working a second job in a grocery store. At first, I sobbed, and strangers averted their eyes. And now, when I feel the difficult moments, I am able to feel Tony’s presence, remember the fun times we had at our grandma’s store, and feel he is walking with me in the aisles like I felt him on the trail.
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3. Who is walking with you on your climb?
At the top of Mt. Si, I realized Tony had been there for the entire climb on every switchback and every steep section (which was the entire mountain, I think). Every time I wanted to stop, or when other friends went ahead or left the hike completely, I thought I was alone. In those moments I sobbed because no one could see me, and I felt abandoned. When I got to the summit, I realized Tony was there the entire time.
Who is walking with you on your climb right now? Is it your sibling, someone else who has shown you how to keep moving, a younger version of yourself, an older version, a version of your sibling you wish you knew, a friend, the sibling loss community, or even all of them at once?
Where and when do you feel them? Maybe it’s at the start of the day, in the hard parts, at the end of the day, when you sit down, when you are alone, or trying to fall asleep.
Write to them or about them. Name where they are on the trail with you.
And, please note that all responses are okay and valid, not just the positive ones. You may have negative thoughts or feel angry, upset, irritated, confused, or abandoned. This is normal at different times in grief, life, and relationships with both the living and the dead, especially if your sibling relationship was not ideal. Write anyway.
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That is all for today. Take what is useful. Leave what is not.
If you write to any of these and want to share, the comments are open.
A longer set of nine prompts arrives tomorrow for paid subscribers. It goes deeper into the inside-outside mismatch, the visible vs. invisible climb, and what it means to channel a sibling across time, even if you and your sibling did not get along well or if the loss was complicated.
Warmly,
Angela
Tony’s little sister 🐺
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Wild Grief is written by Dr. Angela Dean, PsyD, FT, GTMR (psychologist, thanatologist, and Tony’s surviving sibling). Interactions with The Broken Pack, LLC, Dr. Angela Dean, and its content do not constitute a therapeutic or professional psychological relationship with Dr. Dean. All content is educational and informational, not clinical advice. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out to your local crisis line or warm line, or visit findahelpline.com.
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